Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
