we're chasing vodka with high fives
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
