I will die if light touches me.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
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