Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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