i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
