all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
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