dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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