I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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