how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
