I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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