Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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