whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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