I can tuck mytits in my pants
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
We need a shit load of segways right now
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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