I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
