You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
