I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
