Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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