I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
