and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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