you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
