nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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