my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize