i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
