You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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