At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
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