headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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