yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
