how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
