He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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