So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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