He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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