I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm sobbing to NWA
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
