maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
two words...techno handjob
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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