I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
