Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
