I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
