Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
