The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
