I just pynch a tree in the face
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
