There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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