She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
