trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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