Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
