remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
