Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
