I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
