How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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