Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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