Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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