I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize