I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
