You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
