i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
