The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
