I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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