I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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