I'm really into asian looking animals
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
