My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
