dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize