I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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