Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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