dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize