I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
People in love make me want to vomit
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
